entry 17 (that's alzheimer's for ya)

So much has happened since I last posted. Really I have about lost my mind (but that's another post). I thought it was funny yesterday when I was at the car wash with my mom. I stopped to get some gas and decided my poor car needed a shower. As we headed into the car wash my mom made her usual off the wall comments but.... what was really weird was her comment as we were about to pull out of the tunnel. There was a light... yellow for hold and green to go. My mom just couldn't figure out what was under that yellow light. "Is that a hat under that light she asked? A hat, what in the world???

If you look at the picture below you can see how she might possibly confuse the "green light" as a hat but it's kind of a stretch.

OK, is it me or is there a strange resemblance to the shoe box lady?

entry 16

I have written 2 long posts. Mozilla has locked up twice and I've lost both. Suffice it to say...MOM is nuts, I am nuts.

entry 15

It's been too long since I've written about mom. Situations change daily. I should have named this blog "riding the waves of life". One good thing (for her and Bear)is she has been taking Bear for morning walks . Then she gives me the "poop" report.

Here in these pics mom is showing Bear the ducks. Mom talks to Bear like he's her child. I find it so interesting how animals can either bring joy and comfort into a person's life or they can drive you NUTS . Nature is amazing, though. Mom loves watching our feathered friends waddle onto our yard. She will ask "what are those two things that keep coming onto the yard"? She has a difficult time understanding that both are ducks because they look so different. We truly have a critter farm going ! Cats, dogs, ducks, oh my!

entry 14

I have this picture on my desktop slide show. It popped up when Jackie was here the other day after spending several hours with mom. "THAT'S EXACTLY HOW I FEEL RIGHT NOW". she said exasperated. I laughed. That's exactly why it's on my desktop. Hence the pic to go with the title of this blog.

Try it 24/7

entry13

This is a post from my sister Jackie:

Cherilyn brought Mom down to the DAR mtg w/ me yesterday. Of all things, I was given the assignment of reporting the Nat'l Defense message which happened to be on Gold/Blue Star Mothers and music/bands in the military. I mentioned Mom was there; that Dad had a 5 or 6 star Grandmother; and that Mom's Mother was married to a man who played the trumpet and died en-route to WW1 a yr before Pres. Wilson started this program honoring war mothers. Someone else reported on Constitution Hall w/ pic's. She enjoyed all of this and interacting with the women who were very kind, honoring, and friendly towards her (all about her age). She was dressed in her white suit. She made statements that jumbled things up (like my performing at Constitution Hall the time I got that white dress, "Do you want to tell them about that?" I told her I didn't perform at that the time I was a page for the DAR Convention, but that I performed at my H.S. Graduation there. She told women there she was from Wash, D.C. and does this everywhere I take her and introduce people to her.

Afterwards, we went to Sizzler to get something to eat. I said I was going in to get something and she says, "Well, what if I don't like what you get?" She says this to everything I try to feed her, but then ends up liking it (like she did this ~ Malibu Chicken Platter, they charge $2.56 for a measly side of broccoli, btw, now).

We went back to my place where Br. Lefevre (our Lee relative) was connecting my electrical outlet near my TV (that blew out my 5 yr old DVD/VCR recorder recently). She kept getting him confused w/ a real electrician and him being someone I know well w/ comments about paying him and other such she would if she had someone in her house.

Immediately after he left she wanted to go back home (to Cherilyn's). I was trying to get her to go to the Temple w/ me and she said, "Well, let's schedule something like that for next week or something b/c I've been up since 6 a.m. and have had a busy day!" Part of that actually did sound normal as she said it.

We had to run by the Police Station b/c as we were waiting for Br. Lefevre to do the socket, I found a "Fraud Alert" letter from Discover Card in the pile. Someone was trying to get a credit card thru my name, using my SS#, but with a different address. Discover Card said that's what triggered their sending me the alert and asked if I had recently applied for one to which, of course, I told them, "No." I had to pick up a packet in down-town Provo. Mom thought it looked really ratty down there and would not sit in the car b/c she was scared. I told her, "This is Provo?!!" but she still felt uncomfortable and went in with me.

We tried to call Cherilyn to bring her home (this was about 6:30 p.m.), but no answer. Mom said, "She won't answer. She'll just leave me here and I have no clean clothes to wear or anything for church tomorrow!" Frankly, it reminds me of Di where she is able to "remember" and verbalize some things correctly, but not others.

Cherilyn called soon-after and I took her back. Cherilyn said she noticed something different about Mom. She did almost start crying as we were leaving about my having to live there alone and feeling guilty for leaving. Before we left I managed to capture a little bit of us conversing on video. She was very ornary and sarcastic in her answers. When we talked about McLean she got antsy and didn't want to talk about certain things very long saying how she was going to be able to drive and have to take a taxi everywhere!

When we got back to Cherilyn's she immediately went to greet the dog and stayed in her room the whole night watching TV. I invited her to watch, "Goodbye Mr. Chips," with me (we did that song during one of our latest Broadcasts she attended). She said, "No, I'm not interested in that," but occasionally came into the room and asked if it were good. The dog stayed w/ me on the couch. ;-)

As I left she was asleep sitting up on her bed. I had a feeling to go kiss her goodbye, but just let her sleep. A few min's later she called me nearly crying as if she wasn't going to see me for a long time. Whenever we have been on the phone these past 2 weeks she has talked to me as if she were going to be flying home any min. saying, "I need to get home. It's time." She's made these sorts of statements since she came last Sept. Jackie

entry 12

I seem to have a bit more patience since my meltdown last Saturday. It's amazing how writing things down can literally calm you down when you're in a craze.

I worked in the yard all day long and was dead tired. I paid for it Sunday but I needed to work the body and the mind. I've never liked dirt or bugs or spiders, bees, yellow jackets, wasps, black widows, earwigs, anything flying up your nose or into your ears, eyes and face. Over the years I've grown to have an appreciation for nature. I am finding the insects and other critters {extra}ordinary these days.

Back to mom. The "critters" seem to help her as well. The day the ducks waddled on to our yard she ran into the house, got some bread and chased them down the street. There is a natural serenity one feels when standing in the midst of nature. A respect for all that has been created.

On a sadder note...I helped mom buy some thank you notes . She's had them for over two weeks. She wanted to thank everyone for her birthday and mother's day gifts. She literally was unable to start the task of writing the notes. I typed a list of whom to thank and what to thank them for. I let her go as long as possible to see the outcome. I hate to say it but I had to stand by her and tell her every word to write. She struggled through the entire process until mailed. Then directly after and through the the evening she had no idea why we went to the post office, what we mailed and why and who we mailed "whatever" to.

entry 11

Packed and ready to go 4 hours in advance

Two weeks ago Jackie called me and asked if I thought mom would like to go to a dinner that the "Mayflower" (genealogy group) was having. Sure, great. The dinner was going to be at the JSMB downtown. They always have great food. There would also be an "artist" of some kind. Yesterday, mom called Jackie and left her a message (she calls her everyday a couple times a day stating that she hasn't spoken with her for a long time. (Try an hour or two). Jackie had forgotten about the dinner and so had I but we both told mom about the evening in advance . The time was 1:30 pm (dinners' at 6:30pm). So mom immediately started to get dressed. Now, mom thinks she's going home and she thinks she's all packed and she can't find anything to wear. I told her she could wear her white suit but she brought out her black skirt that doesn't fit anymore. "I can't find my white suit". "It must be at the cleaners". I thought she probably packed it but found it folded up in her drawer. By 2pm she was dressed and ready to go except her hair. Mom has widow's peak in the back of her head where the hair swirls and can flip out. She called me to help her with this flipped out hair. "Just take some scissors and cut that flip off", she said. Of course I wasn't going to cut off the hair . Instead I sprayed it with hair spray and suggested she not to mess with it. She's subborn. She wouldn't, couldn't leave it alone. I heard her spraying and spraying, it sounded like running water. By the time she was done she had so much hair spray in her hair it looked wet! Finally, that ended and she said with a very disgusted tone in her voice "when in the world is Jackie going to be here"? "She can't call and give me an hours notice and expect me to get ready, where in the world is she"? I stated Jackie would be there in about 4 hours. "Mom, we told you the time". Repeat this whole conversation over and over until 6pm except add hours of pacing as well.

Bottom line? Jackie arrived on time, mom had a great dinner and lovely evening, away!

entry 10

Mother's day for mom started out with Jackie picking her up at 7:15 AM on her way to "Spoken Word" at the Tabernacle. Mom wore her favorite white suit and we gave her a corsage to wear that she thought was beautiful-Jackie's idea. We gave her a new bracelet type watch that is easier for her to put on her wrist. With her broken elbow it's very difficult for her to clasp the watch she has now. Then Jackie took her to church at her ward in Provo. Later, the family got together for dinner at Alicia's. It's interesting to me because 2 weeks ago Jackie and I forced mom to go to the Temple one night. Since then she has seemed clearer about some things. She has also started talking about going home again this week. Someone said to her that when the weather became nicer in VA she could go home. Somehow that stuck in her mind. Everyday mom asks " is this the day I'm going home "? Mom has even kind of packed her things . She obsesses about not being able to drive and how she will get to the bank to make the deposits. While it would be so much easier for me if she went home I adamantly believe it would be to her detriment. Mom has had to come out of seclusion and be social whether she's wanted to or not. I know she wants her own space but I believe the daily stimulation has helped her. If mom goes home she will dwindle away both phsically and mentally (as was the case last year). She will say "I can't wait to leave this earth". Maybe I'm keeping her from what she really wants, to go home. Do we give her that choice?

entry 9

This Alzheimer's thing is very confusing. This past week it seems as if my mom's memory has been better. The weather here has been great and so she walks Bear more often. Mom gets dragged around everywhere I go. She wants to go with me but will sit in the car when we get to our destination. Yesterday Alicia, Chaia, mom and me went to run a few errands. Chaia is such a character. She kept calling grandma over and over. I answered her over and over until I figured out she was calling my mom. We all laughed. I said to Chaia lets call grandma "BABS" that's what Uncle Quinny calls her. She laughed and laughed and repeated "BABS" over and over. Let's go to "Bab's" house. I think the whole shopping experience drove my mom nuts. Chaia never stops talking (unless asleep). While we were at Ikea Chaia's shoe rubbed a blister on her foot. She is very dramatic! "My booboo, my owee". This went on for a some time while we waited for Alicia. When we got back in the truck to leave Chaia said "Weesha, my booboo hurts".

We got home, patched up Chaia, Natalie and Jaxon arrived, my mom went in her room, shut the door and waited until everyone was gone.

entry 8

I'm really not sure what prompted this comment but, last night we got home and my mom said "that was a great day"! (WOW tell me what it was so I can repeat it). I asked her what made it a great day and she didn't remember. "It was just really fun"! Going back through the day...

Bears little girlfriend Roxy came to play and mom got a kick out of that
Mason and I pulled weeds outside and dragged dirt around
Mom took Bear for a walk
I forced all my kids to take the gkids to the park for a group picture.

We went to the ball park for the picture and mom kept saying how she had been there many times for Clays games. Mom loves to watch baseball. Seriously though, taking the pictures was a CIRCUS and after 1600 pics I didn't get one GREAT pic of all the kids. On the other hand I did get all the gkids together - that's more than a Gma could ask for.

So what made it a GREAT DAY? I'm not sure but for now I'll take it!

entry 7

These are some of mom's favorite things.

We got mom this dresser from Ikea. It took John about 2 1/2 hours to put the whole thing together (that's how Ikea keeps cost low). She really loves the way it looks in her room. Mom especially loves the bust of Christ that's on top. The pictures of Christ she received for her birthday are comforting to her as well.

Now for her real love...Mom found these buns, Mrs. Freshley's Honey Buns at the dollar store. I don't usually buy food there but she saw the box and wanted to try them and bought 4 boxes (only $4). After trying one she said they were great. I was surprised so I tried one myself. They were really good. Later that night I was having a snack attack so I thought I would have a honey bun but thought to stop to look at the calories on the box. The entire box was eaten and another box opened. I checked the calories on the box - Calories 210 from fat 90% - yikes! I haven't had any more but mom, well that's a different story. I think she's eaten at least 10 boxes. Last night Jackie came to take her to the Temple. They were literally walking out the door when mom bent down to say good bye to bear and couldn't because her skirt was too tight. Which lead to all of us laughing which lead to another problem (if you know mom you know when she laughs she can't hold her urine). Realizing that she would never be able to sit in the skirt she headed back toward her room to change (that in itself is another post!). Bottom line... her weight is up, "weigh" up :)

entry 6

Did you see the movie "Groundhog Day" - wake up every morning to the same thing until finally you get it right. Honestly some days are worse FOR ME than others...

* I can only answer the same questions so many times in a day before I want to scream. (nothing wrong with screaming, let's out frustration)
* the obsessive compulsive behaviors make me crazier than others.
* stubborn, stubborn, stubborn
* I wonder, how does she remember THIS when she doesn't remember THAT?
* "LOST IN TRANSLATION"? We had her hearing checked because what was said and what she'd repeat were drastically different!

Today's obsession is her umbrella and the rain. The simplest tasks are so over exaggerated! I kept hearing a noise, a click over and over. She was opening and closing her umbrella. She needed me to show her again how it works because "it doesn't work correctly, and I need a new one that works". She is stubborn, she is refusing to get her hair done because it's raining and she won't take a bath if she can't get her hair done, and I can't take her dirty clothes if she won't take a bath. I was watching her last night washing her hands in the bathroom and she said "why am I in this bathroom"? I get this bathroom confused with another bathroom that looks completely different". It makes me sad to see her so confused. Physically she is declining, and losing muscle tone. She fell out of bed the other day so I took the box spring off to make it safer.

Some days you just have to vent, take a walk, go to the store, stand in the rain (like today), get away to clear your head. The sickness/dysfunction will make you sick. You have leave the situation for a while to realize how dysfunctional it is and that you are still OK.

entry 5

My mom's favorite things in the world are these animals. All day long she tells me how the cat sleeps on her bed and bear jumps on her lap and licks her face (If she only knew where that tongue had been) . Jackie took her to Provo last weekend and mom was adamant about leaving and going back home (my house) because she had to get back to her animals. "I worry about them when I am gone, they need me" and I need them"! Then mom told Jackie that she looks into bears big brown eyes and can see his sweet spirit. True he has a sweet personality but Jackie responded by saying "oh brother mom, you like those animals better than you like your own children"! They both laughed!

entry 4

Today is my mom's 75Th birthday. Wow, 3/4 of a century old. Can you imagine all the significant changes she has seen in the world? Mom grew up in a very small town in Raymond Alberta Canada. My mom met my dad at BYU and the rest is history. I can't speak for my mom but I know she wanted to be married, have a family and live the gospel of Jesus Christ. She has accomplished all of those things and more but those were her priorities. Unfortunately life isn't always that neat and tidy package that we all hope for. I believe that much of her life has been filled with joy and unhappiness. Not entirely what she expected. In my twenties I thought i would have the house with the white picket fence and the husband that was a night in shinning armor. My kids would be perfect and so would my marriage. Don't we all want that fairy tale? Who came up with that story anyway??? Back to the point... Mom can still tell me about the day I was born and how blessed she felt. She loved being a mother and I read in her diary recently how she prayed daily that she would have the strength to accomplish that daunting task. Mom wanted to be a school teacher like her mother but put that goal aside to raise a family. I know she regrets never getting her teaching degree. My mom was the youngest child in her family and has fond memories of her child hood. She loved her mother and will tell story after story about the faith her mother had. Grandma Wing died from dementia several years ago. Unfortunately mom seems to be following in her footsteps.

On a humorous note, we all want to forget our birthdays the older we get but my mom had several people wish her happy birthday and she had no idea what they were talking about.

(WE gave my mom this picture of Christ for her birthday, she loved it)!

entry 3

I'm a bit behind because I have been working on several projects.

Things have been pretty smooth the past few days with the exception of last Sunday. The morning started with me waking up with a terrible sinus headache. My mom was already dressed and ready for church. We were waiting for Jackie to get done with Spoken Word and meet us for Sacrament. No sooner had Jackie gotten to my house when some weird tension started with my mom and Jackie. Mom asked Jackie a question and Jackie didn't respond, that set her on edge. My mom gets extremely upset when Jackie doesn't answer her questions immediately (well, anyone for that matter). Anyone who knows Jackie experiences a lag time between asking a question and receiving an answer. Jackie told me that often she is deciding how to answer the question and sometimes she's not paying attention at all.

Actually, I need to back up to Friday night....

Jackie was going to keep my mom overnight but apparently mom didn't want to do anything that was planned so Jackie called and said she was bringing her back to my place. Mom missed her animals and they needed her as well. On the trip up to my house they spoke with aunt Leila to wish her happy birthday and Leila told Jackie about a Suzuki conference going on in Sandy. No sooner had Jackie gotten to my house when she announced she was leaving to check out the conference. She promised to come back but never did. Of course my mom kept asking where Jackie went and when she'd be back. Finally Jackie called about 10PM to say she was on her way home. Saturday Jackie was supposed to spend the night and go to spoken word from my house. All day long mom asked when Jackie was coming. About 10:30 PM Jackie called to say she was staying with a friend downtown.

Back to Sunday morning. (My belief is that mom remembering what little she does, was angry with Jackie for not showing up all weekend). So, 10 minutes until church time Jackie asks for some scriptures. Mom, irritated with Jackie's question states that she can get them from the library. Jackie says she doesn't want to get them from the libraryand they leave for Church. Next thing I know mom slams open the front door exclaiming that Jackie is a spoiled brat! She will not drive with her, she will not sit by her, never wants to see her again, and will not go to church because she is the most ungrateful person she has ever known, "everything I did for that girl yesterday"! (mom drove up to Heber to observe Jackie's school class). Mom is on the verge of tears, ranting and raving about how she wants nothing to do with Jackie over and over. I try to reason with her and get her to tell me what's causing her to be so upset-I don't think she knows! By now my sinus headache is a full blown migraine and I am sick to my stomach. I can't find my medication! Mom's pacing back and forth on the hardwood floor (in her heels). With a migraine every noise, smell, light is magnified a 1000 times. Next, mom finds the masking tape-you know the roller that gets lint off clothes but can't find the end. She gets out a knife and cuts the tape, making it worse and pulls off sheet after sheet, while pacing and ranting about Jackie. I am lying on my bed about to loose it both mentally and physically when I finally decide to take the roller away from mom and tell her she's wasting the whole roll (I know not very patient) . Thank goodness John came home right then except...both of them were clanking around the hard wood floor. "You both need to take your shoes off and stop talking so loud I blurted"! (pooooor John, he gets the brunt end of my frustrations). John found my medication for me and some anti nausea pills and I was able to get some rest.

This is the clencher... after everything was said and done mom wondered what in the world started all this whole mess and what made Jackie leave? I told mom what she said to Jackie but she didn't beleive me . " I never said that, but if I did no wonder she left".

This disease is a tough one for everyone!

entry 2

Thank you to those that responded to yesterday's post. I don't think I have gotten so many emails and phone calls in day! I appreciate all your thoughts and kind words. AND no I haven't lost it entirely yet. I have had requests to add some funny things my mom has said. (we are not laughing at her she laughs with us)

Comments my mom makes to me and others:

(mom) "I had no idea that Alicia was your daughter"

(mom) "I had no idea that Rod was Jesse's father"

(mom) "I had no idea that Jackie was almost 40" (Cher)"how old do you think I am"? (mom) "I don't know I guess you would be about 70".

(mom) "Now tell me again, what are the names or your people that are coming to stay"? (Cher) "my people are Michael, Katie and Mason - your grandson, grand daughter and great grandson" (mom) "Oh ,LOL".

(mom) "Here Mitzy, come Kitty, where is she"?
(Cher) "mom, try calling Bear, he answers to that"!

(mom) One day in disgust, "John needs to take that TV back to Costco, it doesn't work"!
(Cher) "Mom don't push the channel button on the TV" use the remote.
(mom) "I didn't" (TVs on channel 160 needs to stay on 3)
(Cher) "OK it's fixed, don't touch the channel button, only use the remote"
repeat,
repeat,
repeat,

(Cher) "mom I am putting blue tape over these buttons, you don't need to touch them"
(mom) "I don't touch them this TV doesn't work right"
repeat,
repeat,
repeat, (I can hear her changing the channel button from the other rooms)

(Cher) "MOM, don't take the tape off and touch these buttons. (tapes off)
(mom) "I never touch those buttons"!

Natalie walks in the house and solves the problem. She takes the cable box off the TV (I didn't even remember we could get cable from the wall)

(Natalie) "OK grandma, the TV works great". (shows her how to work the TV with the remote)
(mom) "Someone needs to take back this TV it didn't come with a remote or one of those kids took it"

I think I am in a "Looney Toon"
Ba de ba de that's all folks!

entry 1

I’ve decided to start a blog/diary of my daily life as a caregiver for my mother with Alzheimer’s disease. I don’t plan to edit what I say only use spell check for typos. I find I can type much quicker when simply telling what’s in my mind and heart. Feel free to read along.

Today I woke up alone except for 2 cats and the dog. It feels strangely free to be in my own home and have no pressure. My mom doesn’t pressure me it’s just that as soon as I get up I know that I will be answering the same questions over and over. All the TV'S in the house are on. I will need to find her remote that she hides behind her TV. She will ask what we are doing today. I can’t keep going to the store, it’s expensive. She won’t read, exercise, play games, shred papers that are not hers (she loved to shred papers at home) . After a particularly bad day last week I called my brother and totally lost it. Then I called him back and apologized for saying such mean things (not about him). I don’t know where it came from but it needed to be let out!!! I felt so much better until last night. All the patience from the week wore thin and I started to lose it again. I emailed John and said “can I say CRAZY”? I can only answer the same question 150 times before I want to kill myself! (Not really kill myself, more like run into my bedroom, hide under the covers and veg while watching TV.

So what started this today was looking at the pics I had posted yesterday. I truly love the one of my mom. Here it was bright and sunny, WARM day and my mom had on her scarf, her gloves and her purse out in the front yard watching the kids play legos. From the picture I can see that her glasses need cleaning. I would die if someone took a close up picture of me in the bright light but this picture to me displays a warmth and kindness a softness-childlike glow. It makes me cry. Honestly at this moment I feel peaceful and relieved that I can just sit here and type. In a couple of hours I will have Mason, Brendan and Julian and my solitude will end in a chaos of a different type, but it’s different. Jackie may or may not bring my mom back tonight; I vote she keeps her another night. I will feel rejuvenated and be able to start fresh until the next wave of dysfunction hits. I need to keep my own sanity in check. I don’t say this to be mean or complain it's just the way I feel.