entry 14

I have this picture on my desktop slide show. It popped up when Jackie was here the other day after spending several hours with mom. "THAT'S EXACTLY HOW I FEEL RIGHT NOW". she said exasperated. I laughed. That's exactly why it's on my desktop. Hence the pic to go with the title of this blog.

Try it 24/7

entry13

This is a post from my sister Jackie:

Cherilyn brought Mom down to the DAR mtg w/ me yesterday. Of all things, I was given the assignment of reporting the Nat'l Defense message which happened to be on Gold/Blue Star Mothers and music/bands in the military. I mentioned Mom was there; that Dad had a 5 or 6 star Grandmother; and that Mom's Mother was married to a man who played the trumpet and died en-route to WW1 a yr before Pres. Wilson started this program honoring war mothers. Someone else reported on Constitution Hall w/ pic's. She enjoyed all of this and interacting with the women who were very kind, honoring, and friendly towards her (all about her age). She was dressed in her white suit. She made statements that jumbled things up (like my performing at Constitution Hall the time I got that white dress, "Do you want to tell them about that?" I told her I didn't perform at that the time I was a page for the DAR Convention, but that I performed at my H.S. Graduation there. She told women there she was from Wash, D.C. and does this everywhere I take her and introduce people to her.

Afterwards, we went to Sizzler to get something to eat. I said I was going in to get something and she says, "Well, what if I don't like what you get?" She says this to everything I try to feed her, but then ends up liking it (like she did this ~ Malibu Chicken Platter, they charge $2.56 for a measly side of broccoli, btw, now).

We went back to my place where Br. Lefevre (our Lee relative) was connecting my electrical outlet near my TV (that blew out my 5 yr old DVD/VCR recorder recently). She kept getting him confused w/ a real electrician and him being someone I know well w/ comments about paying him and other such she would if she had someone in her house.

Immediately after he left she wanted to go back home (to Cherilyn's). I was trying to get her to go to the Temple w/ me and she said, "Well, let's schedule something like that for next week or something b/c I've been up since 6 a.m. and have had a busy day!" Part of that actually did sound normal as she said it.

We had to run by the Police Station b/c as we were waiting for Br. Lefevre to do the socket, I found a "Fraud Alert" letter from Discover Card in the pile. Someone was trying to get a credit card thru my name, using my SS#, but with a different address. Discover Card said that's what triggered their sending me the alert and asked if I had recently applied for one to which, of course, I told them, "No." I had to pick up a packet in down-town Provo. Mom thought it looked really ratty down there and would not sit in the car b/c she was scared. I told her, "This is Provo?!!" but she still felt uncomfortable and went in with me.

We tried to call Cherilyn to bring her home (this was about 6:30 p.m.), but no answer. Mom said, "She won't answer. She'll just leave me here and I have no clean clothes to wear or anything for church tomorrow!" Frankly, it reminds me of Di where she is able to "remember" and verbalize some things correctly, but not others.

Cherilyn called soon-after and I took her back. Cherilyn said she noticed something different about Mom. She did almost start crying as we were leaving about my having to live there alone and feeling guilty for leaving. Before we left I managed to capture a little bit of us conversing on video. She was very ornary and sarcastic in her answers. When we talked about McLean she got antsy and didn't want to talk about certain things very long saying how she was going to be able to drive and have to take a taxi everywhere!

When we got back to Cherilyn's she immediately went to greet the dog and stayed in her room the whole night watching TV. I invited her to watch, "Goodbye Mr. Chips," with me (we did that song during one of our latest Broadcasts she attended). She said, "No, I'm not interested in that," but occasionally came into the room and asked if it were good. The dog stayed w/ me on the couch. ;-)

As I left she was asleep sitting up on her bed. I had a feeling to go kiss her goodbye, but just let her sleep. A few min's later she called me nearly crying as if she wasn't going to see me for a long time. Whenever we have been on the phone these past 2 weeks she has talked to me as if she were going to be flying home any min. saying, "I need to get home. It's time." She's made these sorts of statements since she came last Sept. Jackie

entry 12

I seem to have a bit more patience since my meltdown last Saturday. It's amazing how writing things down can literally calm you down when you're in a craze.

I worked in the yard all day long and was dead tired. I paid for it Sunday but I needed to work the body and the mind. I've never liked dirt or bugs or spiders, bees, yellow jackets, wasps, black widows, earwigs, anything flying up your nose or into your ears, eyes and face. Over the years I've grown to have an appreciation for nature. I am finding the insects and other critters {extra}ordinary these days.

Back to mom. The "critters" seem to help her as well. The day the ducks waddled on to our yard she ran into the house, got some bread and chased them down the street. There is a natural serenity one feels when standing in the midst of nature. A respect for all that has been created.

On a sadder note...I helped mom buy some thank you notes . She's had them for over two weeks. She wanted to thank everyone for her birthday and mother's day gifts. She literally was unable to start the task of writing the notes. I typed a list of whom to thank and what to thank them for. I let her go as long as possible to see the outcome. I hate to say it but I had to stand by her and tell her every word to write. She struggled through the entire process until mailed. Then directly after and through the the evening she had no idea why we went to the post office, what we mailed and why and who we mailed "whatever" to.

entry 11

Packed and ready to go 4 hours in advance

Two weeks ago Jackie called me and asked if I thought mom would like to go to a dinner that the "Mayflower" (genealogy group) was having. Sure, great. The dinner was going to be at the JSMB downtown. They always have great food. There would also be an "artist" of some kind. Yesterday, mom called Jackie and left her a message (she calls her everyday a couple times a day stating that she hasn't spoken with her for a long time. (Try an hour or two). Jackie had forgotten about the dinner and so had I but we both told mom about the evening in advance . The time was 1:30 pm (dinners' at 6:30pm). So mom immediately started to get dressed. Now, mom thinks she's going home and she thinks she's all packed and she can't find anything to wear. I told her she could wear her white suit but she brought out her black skirt that doesn't fit anymore. "I can't find my white suit". "It must be at the cleaners". I thought she probably packed it but found it folded up in her drawer. By 2pm she was dressed and ready to go except her hair. Mom has widow's peak in the back of her head where the hair swirls and can flip out. She called me to help her with this flipped out hair. "Just take some scissors and cut that flip off", she said. Of course I wasn't going to cut off the hair . Instead I sprayed it with hair spray and suggested she not to mess with it. She's subborn. She wouldn't, couldn't leave it alone. I heard her spraying and spraying, it sounded like running water. By the time she was done she had so much hair spray in her hair it looked wet! Finally, that ended and she said with a very disgusted tone in her voice "when in the world is Jackie going to be here"? "She can't call and give me an hours notice and expect me to get ready, where in the world is she"? I stated Jackie would be there in about 4 hours. "Mom, we told you the time". Repeat this whole conversation over and over until 6pm except add hours of pacing as well.

Bottom line? Jackie arrived on time, mom had a great dinner and lovely evening, away!

entry 10

Mother's day for mom started out with Jackie picking her up at 7:15 AM on her way to "Spoken Word" at the Tabernacle. Mom wore her favorite white suit and we gave her a corsage to wear that she thought was beautiful-Jackie's idea. We gave her a new bracelet type watch that is easier for her to put on her wrist. With her broken elbow it's very difficult for her to clasp the watch she has now. Then Jackie took her to church at her ward in Provo. Later, the family got together for dinner at Alicia's. It's interesting to me because 2 weeks ago Jackie and I forced mom to go to the Temple one night. Since then she has seemed clearer about some things. She has also started talking about going home again this week. Someone said to her that when the weather became nicer in VA she could go home. Somehow that stuck in her mind. Everyday mom asks " is this the day I'm going home "? Mom has even kind of packed her things . She obsesses about not being able to drive and how she will get to the bank to make the deposits. While it would be so much easier for me if she went home I adamantly believe it would be to her detriment. Mom has had to come out of seclusion and be social whether she's wanted to or not. I know she wants her own space but I believe the daily stimulation has helped her. If mom goes home she will dwindle away both phsically and mentally (as was the case last year). She will say "I can't wait to leave this earth". Maybe I'm keeping her from what she really wants, to go home. Do we give her that choice?

entry 9

This Alzheimer's thing is very confusing. This past week it seems as if my mom's memory has been better. The weather here has been great and so she walks Bear more often. Mom gets dragged around everywhere I go. She wants to go with me but will sit in the car when we get to our destination. Yesterday Alicia, Chaia, mom and me went to run a few errands. Chaia is such a character. She kept calling grandma over and over. I answered her over and over until I figured out she was calling my mom. We all laughed. I said to Chaia lets call grandma "BABS" that's what Uncle Quinny calls her. She laughed and laughed and repeated "BABS" over and over. Let's go to "Bab's" house. I think the whole shopping experience drove my mom nuts. Chaia never stops talking (unless asleep). While we were at Ikea Chaia's shoe rubbed a blister on her foot. She is very dramatic! "My booboo, my owee". This went on for a some time while we waited for Alicia. When we got back in the truck to leave Chaia said "Weesha, my booboo hurts".

We got home, patched up Chaia, Natalie and Jaxon arrived, my mom went in her room, shut the door and waited until everyone was gone.

entry 8

I'm really not sure what prompted this comment but, last night we got home and my mom said "that was a great day"! (WOW tell me what it was so I can repeat it). I asked her what made it a great day and she didn't remember. "It was just really fun"! Going back through the day...

Bears little girlfriend Roxy came to play and mom got a kick out of that
Mason and I pulled weeds outside and dragged dirt around
Mom took Bear for a walk
I forced all my kids to take the gkids to the park for a group picture.

We went to the ball park for the picture and mom kept saying how she had been there many times for Clays games. Mom loves to watch baseball. Seriously though, taking the pictures was a CIRCUS and after 1600 pics I didn't get one GREAT pic of all the kids. On the other hand I did get all the gkids together - that's more than a Gma could ask for.

So what made it a GREAT DAY? I'm not sure but for now I'll take it!

entry 7

These are some of mom's favorite things.

We got mom this dresser from Ikea. It took John about 2 1/2 hours to put the whole thing together (that's how Ikea keeps cost low). She really loves the way it looks in her room. Mom especially loves the bust of Christ that's on top. The pictures of Christ she received for her birthday are comforting to her as well.

Now for her real love...Mom found these buns, Mrs. Freshley's Honey Buns at the dollar store. I don't usually buy food there but she saw the box and wanted to try them and bought 4 boxes (only $4). After trying one she said they were great. I was surprised so I tried one myself. They were really good. Later that night I was having a snack attack so I thought I would have a honey bun but thought to stop to look at the calories on the box. The entire box was eaten and another box opened. I checked the calories on the box - Calories 210 from fat 90% - yikes! I haven't had any more but mom, well that's a different story. I think she's eaten at least 10 boxes. Last night Jackie came to take her to the Temple. They were literally walking out the door when mom bent down to say good bye to bear and couldn't because her skirt was too tight. Which lead to all of us laughing which lead to another problem (if you know mom you know when she laughs she can't hold her urine). Realizing that she would never be able to sit in the skirt she headed back toward her room to change (that in itself is another post!). Bottom line... her weight is up, "weigh" up :)

entry 6

Did you see the movie "Groundhog Day" - wake up every morning to the same thing until finally you get it right. Honestly some days are worse FOR ME than others...

* I can only answer the same questions so many times in a day before I want to scream. (nothing wrong with screaming, let's out frustration)
* the obsessive compulsive behaviors make me crazier than others.
* stubborn, stubborn, stubborn
* I wonder, how does she remember THIS when she doesn't remember THAT?
* "LOST IN TRANSLATION"? We had her hearing checked because what was said and what she'd repeat were drastically different!

Today's obsession is her umbrella and the rain. The simplest tasks are so over exaggerated! I kept hearing a noise, a click over and over. She was opening and closing her umbrella. She needed me to show her again how it works because "it doesn't work correctly, and I need a new one that works". She is stubborn, she is refusing to get her hair done because it's raining and she won't take a bath if she can't get her hair done, and I can't take her dirty clothes if she won't take a bath. I was watching her last night washing her hands in the bathroom and she said "why am I in this bathroom"? I get this bathroom confused with another bathroom that looks completely different". It makes me sad to see her so confused. Physically she is declining, and losing muscle tone. She fell out of bed the other day so I took the box spring off to make it safer.

Some days you just have to vent, take a walk, go to the store, stand in the rain (like today), get away to clear your head. The sickness/dysfunction will make you sick. You have leave the situation for a while to realize how dysfunctional it is and that you are still OK.