entry 1

I’ve decided to start a blog/diary of my daily life as a caregiver for my mother with Alzheimer’s disease. I don’t plan to edit what I say only use spell check for typos. I find I can type much quicker when simply telling what’s in my mind and heart. Feel free to read along.

Today I woke up alone except for 2 cats and the dog. It feels strangely free to be in my own home and have no pressure. My mom doesn’t pressure me it’s just that as soon as I get up I know that I will be answering the same questions over and over. All the TV'S in the house are on. I will need to find her remote that she hides behind her TV. She will ask what we are doing today. I can’t keep going to the store, it’s expensive. She won’t read, exercise, play games, shred papers that are not hers (she loved to shred papers at home) . After a particularly bad day last week I called my brother and totally lost it. Then I called him back and apologized for saying such mean things (not about him). I don’t know where it came from but it needed to be let out!!! I felt so much better until last night. All the patience from the week wore thin and I started to lose it again. I emailed John and said “can I say CRAZY”? I can only answer the same question 150 times before I want to kill myself! (Not really kill myself, more like run into my bedroom, hide under the covers and veg while watching TV.

So what started this today was looking at the pics I had posted yesterday. I truly love the one of my mom. Here it was bright and sunny, WARM day and my mom had on her scarf, her gloves and her purse out in the front yard watching the kids play legos. From the picture I can see that her glasses need cleaning. I would die if someone took a close up picture of me in the bright light but this picture to me displays a warmth and kindness a softness-childlike glow. It makes me cry. Honestly at this moment I feel peaceful and relieved that I can just sit here and type. In a couple of hours I will have Mason, Brendan and Julian and my solitude will end in a chaos of a different type, but it’s different. Jackie may or may not bring my mom back tonight; I vote she keeps her another night. I will feel rejuvenated and be able to start fresh until the next wave of dysfunction hits. I need to keep my own sanity in check. I don’t say this to be mean or complain it's just the way I feel.