entry 5

My mom's favorite things in the world are these animals. All day long she tells me how the cat sleeps on her bed and bear jumps on her lap and licks her face (If she only knew where that tongue had been) . Jackie took her to Provo last weekend and mom was adamant about leaving and going back home (my house) because she had to get back to her animals. "I worry about them when I am gone, they need me" and I need them"! Then mom told Jackie that she looks into bears big brown eyes and can see his sweet spirit. True he has a sweet personality but Jackie responded by saying "oh brother mom, you like those animals better than you like your own children"! They both laughed!

entry 4

Today is my mom's 75Th birthday. Wow, 3/4 of a century old. Can you imagine all the significant changes she has seen in the world? Mom grew up in a very small town in Raymond Alberta Canada. My mom met my dad at BYU and the rest is history. I can't speak for my mom but I know she wanted to be married, have a family and live the gospel of Jesus Christ. She has accomplished all of those things and more but those were her priorities. Unfortunately life isn't always that neat and tidy package that we all hope for. I believe that much of her life has been filled with joy and unhappiness. Not entirely what she expected. In my twenties I thought i would have the house with the white picket fence and the husband that was a night in shinning armor. My kids would be perfect and so would my marriage. Don't we all want that fairy tale? Who came up with that story anyway??? Back to the point... Mom can still tell me about the day I was born and how blessed she felt. She loved being a mother and I read in her diary recently how she prayed daily that she would have the strength to accomplish that daunting task. Mom wanted to be a school teacher like her mother but put that goal aside to raise a family. I know she regrets never getting her teaching degree. My mom was the youngest child in her family and has fond memories of her child hood. She loved her mother and will tell story after story about the faith her mother had. Grandma Wing died from dementia several years ago. Unfortunately mom seems to be following in her footsteps.

On a humorous note, we all want to forget our birthdays the older we get but my mom had several people wish her happy birthday and she had no idea what they were talking about.

(WE gave my mom this picture of Christ for her birthday, she loved it)!

entry 3

I'm a bit behind because I have been working on several projects.

Things have been pretty smooth the past few days with the exception of last Sunday. The morning started with me waking up with a terrible sinus headache. My mom was already dressed and ready for church. We were waiting for Jackie to get done with Spoken Word and meet us for Sacrament. No sooner had Jackie gotten to my house when some weird tension started with my mom and Jackie. Mom asked Jackie a question and Jackie didn't respond, that set her on edge. My mom gets extremely upset when Jackie doesn't answer her questions immediately (well, anyone for that matter). Anyone who knows Jackie experiences a lag time between asking a question and receiving an answer. Jackie told me that often she is deciding how to answer the question and sometimes she's not paying attention at all.

Actually, I need to back up to Friday night....

Jackie was going to keep my mom overnight but apparently mom didn't want to do anything that was planned so Jackie called and said she was bringing her back to my place. Mom missed her animals and they needed her as well. On the trip up to my house they spoke with aunt Leila to wish her happy birthday and Leila told Jackie about a Suzuki conference going on in Sandy. No sooner had Jackie gotten to my house when she announced she was leaving to check out the conference. She promised to come back but never did. Of course my mom kept asking where Jackie went and when she'd be back. Finally Jackie called about 10PM to say she was on her way home. Saturday Jackie was supposed to spend the night and go to spoken word from my house. All day long mom asked when Jackie was coming. About 10:30 PM Jackie called to say she was staying with a friend downtown.

Back to Sunday morning. (My belief is that mom remembering what little she does, was angry with Jackie for not showing up all weekend). So, 10 minutes until church time Jackie asks for some scriptures. Mom, irritated with Jackie's question states that she can get them from the library. Jackie says she doesn't want to get them from the libraryand they leave for Church. Next thing I know mom slams open the front door exclaiming that Jackie is a spoiled brat! She will not drive with her, she will not sit by her, never wants to see her again, and will not go to church because she is the most ungrateful person she has ever known, "everything I did for that girl yesterday"! (mom drove up to Heber to observe Jackie's school class). Mom is on the verge of tears, ranting and raving about how she wants nothing to do with Jackie over and over. I try to reason with her and get her to tell me what's causing her to be so upset-I don't think she knows! By now my sinus headache is a full blown migraine and I am sick to my stomach. I can't find my medication! Mom's pacing back and forth on the hardwood floor (in her heels). With a migraine every noise, smell, light is magnified a 1000 times. Next, mom finds the masking tape-you know the roller that gets lint off clothes but can't find the end. She gets out a knife and cuts the tape, making it worse and pulls off sheet after sheet, while pacing and ranting about Jackie. I am lying on my bed about to loose it both mentally and physically when I finally decide to take the roller away from mom and tell her she's wasting the whole roll (I know not very patient) . Thank goodness John came home right then except...both of them were clanking around the hard wood floor. "You both need to take your shoes off and stop talking so loud I blurted"! (pooooor John, he gets the brunt end of my frustrations). John found my medication for me and some anti nausea pills and I was able to get some rest.

This is the clencher... after everything was said and done mom wondered what in the world started all this whole mess and what made Jackie leave? I told mom what she said to Jackie but she didn't beleive me . " I never said that, but if I did no wonder she left".

This disease is a tough one for everyone!

entry 2

Thank you to those that responded to yesterday's post. I don't think I have gotten so many emails and phone calls in day! I appreciate all your thoughts and kind words. AND no I haven't lost it entirely yet. I have had requests to add some funny things my mom has said. (we are not laughing at her she laughs with us)

Comments my mom makes to me and others:

(mom) "I had no idea that Alicia was your daughter"

(mom) "I had no idea that Rod was Jesse's father"

(mom) "I had no idea that Jackie was almost 40" (Cher)"how old do you think I am"? (mom) "I don't know I guess you would be about 70".

(mom) "Now tell me again, what are the names or your people that are coming to stay"? (Cher) "my people are Michael, Katie and Mason - your grandson, grand daughter and great grandson" (mom) "Oh ,LOL".

(mom) "Here Mitzy, come Kitty, where is she"?
(Cher) "mom, try calling Bear, he answers to that"!

(mom) One day in disgust, "John needs to take that TV back to Costco, it doesn't work"!
(Cher) "Mom don't push the channel button on the TV" use the remote.
(mom) "I didn't" (TVs on channel 160 needs to stay on 3)
(Cher) "OK it's fixed, don't touch the channel button, only use the remote"
repeat,
repeat,
repeat,

(Cher) "mom I am putting blue tape over these buttons, you don't need to touch them"
(mom) "I don't touch them this TV doesn't work right"
repeat,
repeat,
repeat, (I can hear her changing the channel button from the other rooms)

(Cher) "MOM, don't take the tape off and touch these buttons. (tapes off)
(mom) "I never touch those buttons"!

Natalie walks in the house and solves the problem. She takes the cable box off the TV (I didn't even remember we could get cable from the wall)

(Natalie) "OK grandma, the TV works great". (shows her how to work the TV with the remote)
(mom) "Someone needs to take back this TV it didn't come with a remote or one of those kids took it"

I think I am in a "Looney Toon"
Ba de ba de that's all folks!

entry 1

I’ve decided to start a blog/diary of my daily life as a caregiver for my mother with Alzheimer’s disease. I don’t plan to edit what I say only use spell check for typos. I find I can type much quicker when simply telling what’s in my mind and heart. Feel free to read along.

Today I woke up alone except for 2 cats and the dog. It feels strangely free to be in my own home and have no pressure. My mom doesn’t pressure me it’s just that as soon as I get up I know that I will be answering the same questions over and over. All the TV'S in the house are on. I will need to find her remote that she hides behind her TV. She will ask what we are doing today. I can’t keep going to the store, it’s expensive. She won’t read, exercise, play games, shred papers that are not hers (she loved to shred papers at home) . After a particularly bad day last week I called my brother and totally lost it. Then I called him back and apologized for saying such mean things (not about him). I don’t know where it came from but it needed to be let out!!! I felt so much better until last night. All the patience from the week wore thin and I started to lose it again. I emailed John and said “can I say CRAZY”? I can only answer the same question 150 times before I want to kill myself! (Not really kill myself, more like run into my bedroom, hide under the covers and veg while watching TV.

So what started this today was looking at the pics I had posted yesterday. I truly love the one of my mom. Here it was bright and sunny, WARM day and my mom had on her scarf, her gloves and her purse out in the front yard watching the kids play legos. From the picture I can see that her glasses need cleaning. I would die if someone took a close up picture of me in the bright light but this picture to me displays a warmth and kindness a softness-childlike glow. It makes me cry. Honestly at this moment I feel peaceful and relieved that I can just sit here and type. In a couple of hours I will have Mason, Brendan and Julian and my solitude will end in a chaos of a different type, but it’s different. Jackie may or may not bring my mom back tonight; I vote she keeps her another night. I will feel rejuvenated and be able to start fresh until the next wave of dysfunction hits. I need to keep my own sanity in check. I don’t say this to be mean or complain it's just the way I feel.