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entry 41

This last week has been a difficult one.

Mom seems to have accepted that she has Alzheimer's.  

The realization  makes her very sad and she cries.

On another note...

We were driving around - I'm stopping and taking pictures of turquoise "things"

 {she likes doing this - "It's fun"}

And she says she feels a great sense of relief.

I ask what about, but she can't really verbalize her thoughts.

I press and she finally says that she's praying for relief from this affliction.

I suggest we get her exercising her mind and her body along with nutrition... 

and then she says the funniest thing...

WELL, I'm not going to do this all by myself!  

I laughed and say...WELL  if you don't exercise your mind no one 's going to do it for you, mother.

We laughed, together!

entry 40

Same Day, different post!

Things only went down hill from that appointment on!

First I stopped at Great Harvest and got us some comfort food...

next...

We went to the Alzheimer's Association for the support group.

Today mom will go into the cognitive learning group. 

She and I are only separated by a single wall.  

But she freaked out.

They came and got me.

Mom, her face flushed and in a frenzy insisted I take her out of there!

She was crying and having a tantrum.

I didn't know where you were.

I thought you left me here.

I felt stupid, there were so many men,  I couldn't do what they were doing.

These words don't flow easily from her mouth.  

She cries and cries the rest of the day and night.

Please don't tell Jackie about this.

What, the Alzheimer's meeting?

NO, that I have Alzheimer's.

Coming to grips with mortality! 

That night I have a horrible dream. 

 I dream that I am in a house with John and I can see the waves of the ocean swell - a tsunami. 

The water is is rising and flooding the house We are being lifted up to the ceiling.

  I am able to see out a whole in the roof.

I can see the water is starting to recede.

I awoke in pure panic.

entry 39

Meeting with the Dr to review tests.

No new revelations, merely establishing a baseline.

Dr. is relating the test results to both of us but  mom keeps

 randomly bringing up the huge snow storm in the East!

The Dr asks her where she lives...

without thought, Virginia!

It was like mom didn't hear a word the Dr. was saying.

 I ask the Dr what's up with this?

It's the disease.

Were were given much information about how to proceed.

We are told
Now is the time  to acclimate mom to any major life changes, 

while she can still remember. 

The resting reveals she remembers and responds  best to visual simulation
and I am given different suggestions on how to help keep mom stimulated.

The brain stays "plastic" until death.

She can still build new brain cells and somewhat maintain what she has now with specific exercises.

But...there is no cure for Alzheimer's. 

Boy, is this going to be a CHALLENGE!

entry 38

Meeting with the therapist...

Mom again doesn't know where or why we are going to this appointment.

It takes an hour to fill out the paperwork and ask mom questions that the Dr. will later review.

I hate this stuff!!!

I don't want to answer these questions.

There is nothing wrong with me.

I refuse to answer that question!

We meet with the Dr. and she is calm, kind and reassuring to mom.

Mom likes her.

Then the real cognitive testing begins.

4 1/2 hour later we leave.

Two hours are cut short.

Mom can't complete those tests.

We won't know the results of the testing until the 10th of February.

entry 37

Playing catch up!

I think I dread posting on this blog.  Most of the time it's kind of depressing...but here goes.

Today we {mom and me}went to the Alzheimer's Association. 

It was NOT happiness on mom's face when we drove up!!!

She freaked.

Why are we here?

Are you leaving me?

I'm not crazy!!!

Maybe it's not fair to mom because I rarely tell her where we are going.

She obsesses and worries and agitates.

if it's a trip...she will pack and unpack.

We met with the Alzheimer's therapist then went to a support group.

Usually the caregiver goes into the support group while the afflicted person goes into a cognitive learning session.

Mom sat with me this time and enjoyed it very much.

She, however, was unaware that she had the disease and was sympathizing with the others relating their weekly stories.

I'm so glad I don't have that disease, she said when leaving. 

Yes mom,  but I fear we may all be predisposed to getting it.

"Grandma died from it."

Really, I don't remember how my mother died or anything about her funeral.

Case in point.

entry 36

Asking what to do with the pantyhose

Obviously she's spending too much time with the dogs :)

Pantyhose seem to really confuse my mom. Today she came to me and asked what she was to do with them {the pantyhose}. Reality is that she can't even get the question out to ask me the question. If this seems all jumbled up, it is! So she said that Quinn was the one that turned her on to wearing pantyhose. LOL. She continued with I never wore them before he "turned me on to them". I lifted up her sweater and pulled the band on the pantyhose she was wearing underneath her pants. MOM...you have worn them for years!!! You wear them everyday!!! In fact you often times wear 2 pair. You even wear them to bed. OMdisease.

entry 35

Today mom is totally confused:

* She hasn't gotten dressed for church this week yet, but keeps asking if I have heard from Jackie and when is she picking her up.

*She wants to know what Jackie has to do with the Orchestra at Temple Square. (she's played the violin for 8 years with them)

* Where is your father, is he getting remarried to someone else and moving them into the house? I don't care but I want my watches!

*How am I getting home? {you are home mom and she hasn't asked this for a long time}. Well, who will take care of me. You are older than me so what will I do?

entry 34

All her bags are packed and ready to go...
She's standing here inside my door-hahaha.

entry 33

It's been a long time since I've posted on this blog but...that doesn't mean that a lot hasn't happened. I could never begin to go back and retrace the past 2 months so I will start from here. I posted this picture because my mom is becoming a bag lady. She got all this stuff ready just to go to church. She is getting worse. I get annoyed with her behavior but know that it's not her fault. It is sad to watch your mother deteriorate in front of your eyes. Today she looked for her watch for about 6 hours. Then she changed her clothes at least 5 times. I don't know why but she thinks that everyday is Sunday so so puts on her church clothes.

Mom says so many odd things. She loves Skor bars but Costco didn't have any, just Heath bars {I like them better}. I'm not sure how many were in the box but she managed to eat all the candy within a couple days. We were getting ready to go to the bank and she asked me if I wanted some of her "HEALTH" BAR. I laughed and said "mom those aren't HEALTH bars they are Heath candy bars". What's a daughter to do :)

entry 32

I need to be more patient. We have had a lot going on. I need to be more positive.

{Momisms}

An Alzheimer's commercial came on TV.

MOM: I'm sure glad I don't have that!

ME: Me, too!

MOM: Your dad took me to the Doctor to get me checked out a while ago. But I tricked those doctors. They asked me what floor we were on. I could see the sign so I knew it was the 4Th floor. I would have to go back for visits. I wrote down what they would ask me and memorized the months. I tricked them!

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Last week we took the kids to the dollar show to see ICE AGE (very cute). Now...my mom can sit in a chair for hours holding the dog and not move and inch BUT...she can not sit in a movie without fidgeting the entire time! (Alicia is my witness) I seriously was ready to scream. I am the biggest movie Nazi! Nothing bugs me more than someone talking, kicking my chair, chopping popcorn with their mouth open, cell phones, crackling candy wrappers ,babies too young to be in the movie theater-crying, fussing and parents do nothing! I'm just getting started.

Mistakes I made:

1) I gave mom a really crackly paper bag for her popcorn. She made more noise than the kids.

2) When she was done with the popcorn she fidgeted with the bag moving it from one chair to the next, checking to see if more popcorn was inside, wondering why she even had the bag in the first place.

3) She keeps a flashlight in her purse. It's battery powered. She turned it off and on during the movie to see if it still worked. She kept cranking the handle. I told her it was noisy and bothering other people-she said "too bad".

4) She fidgets with her purse pulling stuff in and out. She found a pen looking for her watch (she was sure she lost it). She held it up in the air and clicked it up and down and up and down like she'd never seen a pen before. She repeated this several times, it was strange!

5) I gave her a big drink...Right at the end of the movie she was fidgeting SO much I asked her what was wrong. I need to go to the bathroom, now! She can't go by herself . We missed the end of the movie.

Oh well, she had to potty train me once upon a time!

BUT...I'm sitting at the opposite end next movie!

entry 31 {cool for Halloween :)}

IT'S HALLOWEEN
{Clic the title above to play the music}.

It's Hallowe'en,
The lamp is lit,
Around the fire
The children sit,
A-telling ghost stories
Bit by bit,
'Til somebody whispers "hushhhhhhh"!

What's that a-peeping
'Round the kitchen door?
What's that a-creeping
'Cross the bedroom floor?
What's that a-sweeping
Down the corridor?
It's a goblin!
We will not go
To bed 'til morn,
We're drinking cocoa,
Popping corn,
And laughing 'til our
Sides are torn,
'Til somebody whispers "hushhhhhh"!

What's that a-peeping
'Round the kitchen door?
What's that a-creeping
'Cross the bedroom floor?
What's that a-sweeping
Down the corridor?
It's a goblin!
The doorbell rings,
A witch I see,
And with her, black cats,
One, two, three,
And one of them says
"Boo!" to me,
'Til somebody whispers "HUShhhhhhh!"

What's that a-peeping
'Round the kitchen door?
What's that a-creeping
'Cross the bedroom floor?
What's that a-sweeping
Down the corridor?
It's a gooooobbbblinnnnn!
{my mom's version}
My mom loved and still loves Halloween. Maybe that's why I love it so much. She always dressed up and decorated the house, too. She used to sing this song to us when we were kids. I remembered it a few weeks ago and looked it up on the web-there it was and the music to go with it. I haven't mentioned the song to my mom at all and what's funny is she sang it to Mason yesterday. {she didn't get the words right but she remembered the melody}

P.S. I'm not sure what a goblin looks like, do you?

entry 30 (mom-isms}

Mom about Halloween:

Last year, even though the government asked us not to spend money on Halloween because of the bad economy or something like that...I gave each trick or treater $4 each.

Geez mom...no wonder you have so many trick or treaters!

ENTRY 29 {be careful what you wish for}

You know that old saying "BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU WISH FOR"? Back in 2005 my mom and dad came for a visit. The main purpose of the visit was for my dad to Bless Jocelyn and Julian. {what sweet angels, would you agree?!}. Anyway, I quickly became very angry with my sister that visit because there were MOTAB concerts among other various religious activities which took time and attention away from "my time" with my parents. My agenda was to have my parents spend as much time with their gkids and great g kids. Needless to say my expectations were shattered and I was very hurt and upset with both my mom and sister. My mom was already experiencing signs of dementia that we really didn't recognize. Long story short... I wanted more time with my mom and for her to spend more time with my kids and great g kids. Who knew...4 short years later I would have her full time attention!!! The irony of life.

entry 29

Bear's sitting on Jaxon!

Mom and I watched Jaxon while Natalie went to an appointment. Mom was holding Jaxon in the rocker and feeding him a bottle. Next thing she knew Bear had jumped up on her lap as well. Do you think there is a little bit of jealousy going on there?

In this pic...Bear has this stinky, gross, squeaky toy that he LOVES. When bear wants you to play he will shove the toy up against your leg. When mom didn't give up Jaxon -Bear decided to try another tactic!

entry 28 {the sweetest thing}

Yesterday mom took Bear out after we got home from running several errands. As she walked down the sidewalk adjacent to the school field she heard a voice calling...Grandma-Grandma. To her surprise Jeremy who was outside for recess ran all the way across the field to say HI . Can I tell you..it made her day. She talked about it for hours. Thanks Jer for being so kind!

entry 27

Mom's wallet is old and falling apart. She has it stuffed with all kinds of expired cards, clothing tags and receipts. I told her we were going wallet shopping. We went to TJ Maxx (it's close). We found several wallets that she liked. Great, right? Not that easy. She wanted to arrange the wallets all over the counter so she could see which ones would fit all her stuff. Then She started taking things out of her old wallet and placing them in the new wallets. All the "new wallet inerds" were getting mixed up. She wouldn't, I should say couldn't make a decision. After about 30 minutes I said "this is making me crazy", we'll get a brown one for your brown purse and a black wallet for your black purse... In fact we can take them all home you can try them all . We can take back the wallets you don't like. With that settled we waited in line to pay.

The next morning we were getting ready to leave and I noticed that mom had all three wallets in her purse. They each had a couple of items in them. I quickly took out her old wallet. Made sure that she had what she needed in her Brown wallet and placed the black wallet in her black purse. She didn't even notice.

Next we went to Jiffy lube. She insisted on paying for my oil change since I drive her around everyday. She proudly took out her new wallet. Inside was the packaging material and little Crystal bag that keeps moisture out. I quickly took out the items and threw them in the garbage as she was taking out her AMEX card. With a pouty face she looked at me and then the kid helping us and said "she's throwing away all my GOODIES" .

We laughed!

Next... new purse

entry 26 { mom-isms }

Today is one of those I NEED TO SCREAM days. I made the mistake of telling mom about conference yesterday and I have been asked over and over when, what, where, how, etc. ever since. This morning it started up again only she couldn't remember what it was she was supposed to remember (conference). She couldn't grasped that she would watch conference, take a bath, watch conference again and then go get her hair done. PATIENCE!!!! BREATH!!!!!

{MOM} isms...

I should just go back to eclipse.

I should just learn to do my own hair like you and Jackie.

You mean I will miss conference to get my hair done?

I need to write this down so I remember. What does Oct 4th mean?

What does 4:15 mean?

Where do I go to watch conference?

How do I turn on the TV? John messed with it.

I finally typed this up for her:

She only asked be about the schedule a few more times and then settled down to watch conference.

entry 25 { mom-isms }

We have a great view of the mountains from our backyard. Right now they are literally covered with spots of red, yellow and orange. The leaves turning on the mountains has always been my confirmation that summer is really over and fall is fast approaching. Denial!

Yesterday mom and I were taking in the view and I was taking pics as well.

Mom asked me: What are all those different colored spots on those hills?

I answered: The leaves are changing color. Then I added: I smell smoke (in the distance), there must be a fire somewhere.

With that she asked, concerned: What, you mean those spots on the mountains are on fire?

MOM-isms! What's a caregiver to do?

entry 24

So the last few days have been interesting. My mom has been very confused. She wakes up early in the morning and mostly before sunrise. Apparently her waking up when still dark freaks her out. She told Katie and me that John told her about a phenomenon that happens. We were so confused! As she tried to explain this strange occurrence it dawned on me that she was talking about waking up when it's still dark outside, morning.

I said mom: Are you talking about waking up early before it's light?

she said: yes.

I said: that's called MORNING and we all laughed. (sad)

Yesterday Natalie, Jeremy and Jaxon came for a visit. Mom told Natalie the same strange tale. This time however, she added how scary it is for her. I made a joke and told her to stop waking up so early. We laughed but I don't think she know where she is and between the darkness, John leaving for work and her failing memory this "phenomenon" is very disturbing for her.

entry 23

jackie, mom ,dad

Today, so far (8:30 AM) is the opposite of mom's good mood yesterday. She just figured out that my dad has gone back to VA and she feels duped. She's still with it enough to know that she should be with her husband (although she says she doesn't want to live with him) and wants to live in her home in VA. She didn't bring this subject up at all when he was here. The problem is that she can't really care for herself. She is crying and upset. When she gets this way you can't reason with her. Her biggest fear is that the stuff in her room , at home, (mainly her WATCHES) will be stolen. If you ask her why she wants to go back to VA it's because she has her big TVS and her watches. She doesn't know how much she forgets. She says it' s not fair to me and John for her to be put upon us. I told her that years ago when she asked me "who will care for me when I get old", I promised her I would.

Mom is so sensitive to this because her mother was put in a nursing home in Canada with dementia. It gets increasing difficult to see her be so sad and depressed.

entry 22

Today my mom is really confused. She woke up early and it was still dark outside. She didn't know where she was, what she was doing there and what day and time it was. The "DARK" really scares her - makes her anxious and nervous. I was trying to explain how everyone was related to her. I could tell it wasn't registering. So I had to draw out for her on paper how we were all related. She doesn't remember Jon and Quinn being here this past weekend.

Mom couldn't understand how dad knew the "the people" (grand kids, great grand kids) that came to visit him. She would say "I wondered how he knew those kids". She hasn't said anything about dad leaving except for "when is your dad leaving ". That I have answered over and over! I'm surprised how up beat she has been the past few days.

entry 21

I have to say my last post sounded frantic. Thankfully things are a calmer today. The pow wow is over and mom is staying here with us. I need to post more often to have a record of the progression of my mother's disease.

This week mom has been really confused. There is the usual - asking the same questions over but she is mixing the past and the present. Mom is progressing into another stage of the disease. Mom has a terrible time verbalizing what she wants to say. She paces around the house off and on during the day. She opens and closes the garage door over and over checking to see if my car is there.

Recent things she has said:

Who are we picking up at the airport? "Dad, your husband". Blank stare...What is his name?

I need to get cash from your dad so I can pay payroll.
(She is talking about paying Alicia to do her hair)

What is Ken's first name? "Ken, mom".

Where does your dad live, in Phoenix or Utah? "VA, mom". Now where is he going?

What does he do for his profession? "Oral surgeon". Oh that's right I do the books.

I need to get my important stuff out of the house before your dad sells it.
"What stuff do you need to get"? My watches, I need my watches!

At this point in time it is worse to tell her anything in advance because she can't remember what I just told her and she obsesses about what she's forgotten anyway.

She rarely knows what day or time it is even though she has a calendar and clock in her room that displays all the info. (Mostly she thinks Sunday is the next day).

I typed up a very simple schedule for her right before my dad arrived and placed it in several areas around the house. That confused her even more.

It has come down to rationing her "Boost and Ensure". That's all she wants to eat/drink. 4 to 5 is plenty in a day!

Dad and I bought her a "muscle" protein drink at the gas station. "I won't like this-yuk!" "trust me you'll like it" - Forced her to drink it, "oh this is really good"! "HMMMM, mom"!

I am trying to repeat positive affirmations to myself to keep calm and patient. Keep up the good work cher :) .

entry 20 (OMH)

You know that old saying that if you can't say something nice then don't say anything at all?

Well, can I scream instead????

My dad and brothers are coming to Utah for a big pow wow this weekend. I bet my mom's asked me at least 2-4 times (per hour) if she's getting her hair done tomorrow, who it is we are picking up from the airport, is the time 12:30AM or 1AM and what are we doing again? What day is it today ? What day is it tonmorrow? Is it 1991? REPEAT... She has written down all this info but still can't seem to understaind-I know because she made me sit there with her shile she wrote it down. If I sound like a MAD (crazy) caregiver, today I am . If it's this hard for me I can only how hard it is for her. She's got to know that part of her is slipping away. I have to keep repeating positive affirmation and reminding myself that it's the disease and not her.

Oh... She sat on her night stand this morning thinking it was a stool and it shattered underneath her. I was doing some touch up painting and suggested she stay in a different area. As soon as I left she walked into the pan of paint. I need to say this...oh my hell!

Remember all of you out there in normal land...that it's karma. Whatever hell you put your mother through as a kid, it comes back to bite you a 1000 times worse!

entry 19 (the poop report)

My mom gets up and walks Bear in the mornings. She usually goes after she sees John leave for work. When mom gets back I get the poop and pee report (whether I want it or not). Well...I got the poop report first hand, so to speak. I was cleaning off the kitchen table and picked up a crumpled paper towel. I was going to throw it in the recycle bin when I felt something inside. It was poop! And, my finger went right into the middle of the mushy, cucky ____ . I gag just thinking about it. Yuk!!!

entry 18 (early riser)

When I get up in the morning my mom 's awake and has been for a couple of hours. She gets up on her own and takes Bear for a walk up and down the sidewalk. She tells everyone about her routine "But, I don't take him on Sunday". After hearing this story for the millionth time I said "mom you know that Bear doesn't stop pooping and peeing just 'cause it's Sunday. We both laughed.

On Sundays when I get up mom is already dressed for church . This morning I awoke after a terrible nights sleep and was sitting on the porch to wake up. John appeared in the doorway and asked where my mom was. He said that he was up at 1:30 AM when my mom came into the room fully dressed for church - 1:30 AM and announced she was ready to go. When I went to bed she was in her PJ's and that was about 11PM. He told her it was 1:30 AM and she should change and go back to bed. "Nope, I'll just stay dressed and that way I'll be ready to go in the morning" .Hmmmmm, this can only get....more interesting?!

entry 17 (that's alzheimer's for ya)

So much has happened since I last posted. Really I have about lost my mind (but that's another post). I thought it was funny yesterday when I was at the car wash with my mom. I stopped to get some gas and decided my poor car needed a shower. As we headed into the car wash my mom made her usual off the wall comments but.... what was really weird was her comment as we were about to pull out of the tunnel. There was a light... yellow for hold and green to go. My mom just couldn't figure out what was under that yellow light. "Is that a hat under that light she asked? A hat, what in the world???

If you look at the picture below you can see how she might possibly confuse the "green light" as a hat but it's kind of a stretch.

OK, is it me or is there a strange resemblance to the shoe box lady?

entry 16

I have written 2 long posts. Mozilla has locked up twice and I've lost both. Suffice it to say...MOM is nuts, I am nuts.

entry 15

It's been too long since I've written about mom. Situations change daily. I should have named this blog "riding the waves of life". One good thing (for her and Bear)is she has been taking Bear for morning walks . Then she gives me the "poop" report.

Here in these pics mom is showing Bear the ducks. Mom talks to Bear like he's her child. I find it so interesting how animals can either bring joy and comfort into a person's life or they can drive you NUTS . Nature is amazing, though. Mom loves watching our feathered friends waddle onto our yard. She will ask "what are those two things that keep coming onto the yard"? She has a difficult time understanding that both are ducks because they look so different. We truly have a critter farm going ! Cats, dogs, ducks, oh my!